Written version of video:
Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short.
The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is how unfair it is to get so close to finding a solution, only to have it snatched away. This section is about the unfairness of getting close to finding a solution to the lack of understanding from those around me, getting to know someone a little more, and my pain. I’ve been so close on each regard, only to have it snatched away by whatever means.
One of these moments was in 2013. It was actually during the wake of my late grandmother. A relative of mine came to visit, someone who doesn’t really know me, other than what my mother explained to him. He apparently worked helping people on the spectrum, but something rather odd happened when I met him. He has Tuberous Sclerosis, but something told me he has autism as well. Why? Well, from what my family told me, he had sustained injury during his birth and this can result in autism. I’ve found out through research that Tuberous Sclerosis has a risk of causing autism.
I found that he was the first person in my whole family, apart from my mother, who understood me. In fact, he understood me better in that short time than I ever expected him to. I was incredibly nervous about the wake and all the people around me, however; when this relative started to relate to what I was experiencing, I felt the icy hold of my anxiety start to slip. That is very unusual and never happens to me, certainly not without some time of getting to know them till I feel more comfortable.
Anyway, what I mean is that I wonder if he is also autistic as well. I don’t think his parents would agree, but I think he has.
What took me by total surprise was his confrontation with a relative of mine, who is around my age. A relative who has never understood me at all, no matter how many times I tried to explain it to her. This visiting relative counteracted this relative that has never understood me. It was epic, I wish you could have seen it. He was explaining about my autism and how it affects me. My other relative didn’t understand and kept going on about potential, her new favourite word. I was saying basically that there is a constant misconception about autism, people either think you have to be Kanner autistic or Einstein, but people like myself that fit between the two keep falling through the net. Which is what has happened with me. My distant relative agreed with me, but my other relative couldn’t think of a comeback, and just broke. It was so strange. It was like she was shattered before my eyes, broke into tears and stormed out of the house. I couldn’t believe it, someone was defending me from my hostile relative, and it was working.
Unfortunately, this relative had to move away again since he only came for a visit and lives far away. This, however; is a good proof that support from someone who’s autistic or very much like it, does exist, if you can find it. I felt exhilarated to see someone other than my mum fighting on my side, who could see the world and the people around me the way I did. It was so unusual as that never happens, certainly not to me. However; when he moved away again, I was back to square one. I found a solution, but it was unfairly taken away from me. This is a good proof of something I know will help me as it already has, if only briefly, but finding a permanent version is the difficulty I have.
Another experience I went through involves my Facebook friend. Well, I’ve already explained that one in a previous blog entry. Basically, she was starting to open up to me, towards the end of our friendship before everything turned sour because of her friendship with a bully of mine. I could notice her messages were starting to change, she started to open up to me about subjects she never talked to me before, like she began to trust me. I was so close to getting to the next stage of friendship, it felt like a door was beginning to open, like I was moving onto the next level in a video game, but it was cruelly snatched away from me. I couldn’t continue when she was accusing my autism for taking the bullying I’ve been through too seriously. It’s like the game crashed and I lost the saved game I worked so hard on, leaving me having to start from scratch, and I lost the game itself so I’ve had to find a replacement, >.<;.
Not only that, but I was inspired recently by a suggestion that sounded hopeful, it gave me an adrenaline rush, I felt this power I’ve never experienced before. I felt this intense energy burst, like I had a goal that was reachable and I needed to do whatever I could to make sure I could succeed. I felt so much strength and drive that gave me a boost. I was determined to get a task done, I was working hard at it. That’s when all of a sudden, I’m told, that they couldn’t fulfil that suggestion. I felt like I just received a 1000-ton weight on top of me, I just sank. I dropped down lower into depression than I was before. I was so hopeful, thinking that at last something really good would happen and I wanted to make an effort until I realized, “No, of course not, you’re fooling yourself to ever think you were going to succeed! You’ve got no hope! There’s no point anymore, everything just keeps crashing! One minute it’s there, and you know it would help, the next minute it’s all taken away from you.”
You know, as I’m experiencing these answers that come ever so close, but are taken away, I feel, is there someone up there playing tricks on me, giving me a taster of what will help, yet denying me the right to a permanent answer. I know what will help me, I’ve witnessed it myself, but getting a permanent solution it’s like reaching for the stars. You climb a mountain to get closer, you see it clearer, it’s brighter, but it’s leagues away. You can’t get there as it’s just too far out of reach. You can climb a mountain, but you need a spaceship in order to make the distance.
It’s cruel to face that answer and have it nabbed away before you’ve had the chance to feel it’s full effect. It really does feel like someone toying with me, messing me around, getting some kind of enjoyment out of watching me suffer. Why is it that the answer is too far out of reach? Why? Why can’t it permanent? Why can’t I find an answer that lasts? I need to find the answer to my goal, and I’ve been searching for so long, and I’ve faced trauma along the way. How much more do I have to endure until I find a permanent solution?
Anyway, that’s it for now, I wish it didn’t have to be ‘it’, I still need to find an answer. ‘That’s it for now’ is a poor choice of words, I guess I should say, “this is the end of the audio video or written blog, but the continuation to find answers, at least I hope I’m successful”. “I can only hope that some miracle will come down and make life feel worth living” my inner heart is telling me, …… “As if that’s ever going to happen. You’d have a better chance winning the lottery!” my critical inner mind tells me, -_-. The battleground between mind and heart. See what I mean? Inner turmoil, which isn’t helped if I’m treated badly by others as explained in my previous blog entry, ‘Abuse from ASD Forum’, :(. It fuels the feelings of worthlessness, like I don’t belong on this planet, like I was never meant to be born.
Well, thank you for listening or reading, :).
Living with AS, SPD, OCD and PTSD 