ASD Toshiro – Abuse from ASD Forums

Written version of video:

Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short.

The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is the abuse I’ve received from ASD online forums. Now, this is something I feel very strongly and angry about, and is evil targeting the most vulnerable through total lack of understanding and care. I wrote on forums in the past, and I’ve been hurt by them. In the private messages in a UK forum, I was told I was ‘childish’ because of my triggers involving an educational environment.

On one worldwide ASD forum, I can remember being told that the others on the forum were in a better position than myself. So, basically, trying to write on the forum, I’m not going to find others that can understand where I’m coming from? So, it’s hopeless? After that comment, I thought, what’s the point?

On another worldwide ASD forum, I wanted my mother to write on my behalf to try to find someone willing to write to me. I kept an eye on the responses until I saw very hurtful ones. They started to abuse my mother across the internet! So, no one is safe from the onslaught then, huh? I went onto the forum, and made my own response, and although it seemed to ease up a little, all of a sudden, a couple of people were accusing my mother saying that my writing was from her, imitating myself, >.<;. I felt very angry at that, I couldn’t sit by and watch her suffer at the hands of those brutal responses, I put my heart and soul into the lengthy response I made that spun 5 pages across Microsoft Word. I worked so hard on that, and they accuse me of being ‘fake’, of being a ‘troll’. To be insulted so badly by the autistic community on a forum, from being called ‘childish’, to being told I’m fake, like I don’t even exist. Like I didn’t get that type of treatment from school. It’s responses and moments like this when I wonder why I even bother writing on the internet at all, >:(. It makes me very angry. I try my best, I put everything I can into my writing and still no one understands nor cares, and on top of that, abuse me. Autistic people on a forum, a forum that is supposed to be ‘supportive’, abuse other autistics, it’s a joke. Only a sick one.

They were even implying that my mother needed to seek psychiatric help for helping me to find someone to write to from the forum. I was abused in private messages on an ASD forum before by a man in his 40’s calling me ‘childish’ due to my triggers involving an educational environment. I didn’t want to have to face that again, so I needed my mother for support, but instead they chose to accuse her!

It hurt me so badly to see them treat us both that way, it drove me near to the edge. It cut me so deeply to be abused by people I thought would understand where I’m coming from. That abuse, how evil can they be?!? This is coming from the autistic community? I don’t understand it. How can another autistic person abuse another? There’s something clearly wrong with this picture. They’re pinning autistic people against each other. It’s evil and abhorrent.

In fact, my response to that abuse, was the following:

‘I put my heart and soul out there, and I am constantly abused. To say that I am my mother, you have no idea how hurtful your words are, :(. I have put so much effort into writing online, and to face that type of abuse is abhorrent. I feel ashamed to think that there are those on the spectrum that enjoy to see another suffer because of their trauma and accusing them as if they don’t exist.

You nearly gave me a heart attack with that response. That was so hurtful, :(. My heart is beating nine to the dozen.

I’ve had enough of that from my school life, I don’t need that type of abuse now in my present circumstances, especially from the autistic community. This is exactly why I find it so difficult to write on the internet, to face abuse like this is sickening. I don’t understand how an autistic person can say such abusive comments to another. It’s absolutely beyond me.

I’m already feeling uneasy about writing on here, particularly facing abuse like that. I have PTSD, do you honestly think I need to hear comments like those ?!? I feel so, so angry right now. I feel like my soul is reaching out of my body and rising above my head, :(.

It is only my mother and I, she already told you our family was unlawfully and wrongly split apart. My mother is the only one that I can turn to in my family and trust. I live with my mother not my father, and soon after he found out I was on the spectrum, he didn’t come to see me anymore. I tried to send him a letter and a Christmas card I had made from my photographs, but he had moved without telling me his new address. He died a year or two later, and we only found out from one the relatives, and they told us he never received my letter or card. My sister ran away when I was 7 years old, not from my mother, but my father.’

It’s times like these I wonder why I even bother. What is the point when all I receive is hurtful responses that take no consideration to what I’ve written? I did the best I could. I put everything I can into what I write, but maybe that’s it, maybe putting my heart on the line leaves me vulnerable. I can’t help it; I need to be able to get across my feelings because otherwise how else would I be able to find people who’d want to write to me. Surely I have to be myself, no?

I wanted my mother to begin writing on the forum on my behalf because of the shear abuse I received before, but I wasn’t going stand by and watch as my mother was being abused across the internet before my eyes. How can they do that? It hurts me so much to cause us more suffering than we already have. What gives them the right to hurt us this way?!? Should I even continue, is there any point? Am I going to keep receiving that kind of abuse across the internet? I can’t take much more of this; it cuts me so deeply. I wish people knew and cared about the pain these people online are causing, or do they even care? I have to find someone willing to write to me, but do I have to be abused along the way? Why are they doing this to my mum and I? My mum is the only person I can trust to help me, and when she tries, she faces abuse as well! If you abuse my mother, you also abuse me as well since she is my support. How can it be right to abuse a mother trying to help support a son on the spectrum by helping me to find someone to write to? I’ve been on forums before, and I didn’t want to face that abuse again, but I didn’t realise they would turn that hostile towards my mother. They were like a pack of wolves striking upon anyone that was vulnerable, and my mother and I were prime targets!

What did they honestly think abuse like that would do to a person affected by ASD and PTSD?!? Do they want me to feel worthless, like life is hopeless, like I don’t have a hope in this hell of a life? Do they want to see me suffer? Do they want me to sink into deeper levels of depression? Do they enjoy torturing my mother and I? Do they get some sick pleasure out of it?

I still can’t get those hurtful words out of my mind, :(.

What gives them the right to treat us that way?

I’m sorry for that outburst, :(, but it just enrages me so much that there are those on the spectrum on forums out there that can cause so much abuse to others on the spectrum in vulnerable situations. I don’t see how I’m going to be writing on a forum, not when I receive that abuse, but where can I go? The internet is the only way I can cope with to socialise, and I’ve been hurt many times by it, is there nowhere that’s safe for someone struggling to socialise on the spectrum like me?

My whole sleeping pattern has gone upside-down again all due to that abuse. Meltdown during the night, went to sleep about midday, the following day, and got up the day after around 4:00am. I’ve at least skipped a day. It took me a while to get back into sync in order to get this done. You should have seen the meltdown that ensued after those evil comments. It felt like they couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died! Bullying at school is one thing, but from the autistic community on a supportive forum, what the hell is going on in this world?!?

Anyway, that’s it for now and thank you for listening or reading, :).

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ASD Toshiro – Tangents

Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short. Just a quick reminder, I’ve added most of the links I mentioned beneath my previous upload on the bottom right of my banner image at the top of my channel. If you’re watching this on my WordPress blog, then the links are on the menu on the right hand side.

The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is tangents. This is a difficulty I’ve been having in the social world. Mainly in terms of writing, but can be from verbal communication as well. I have this problem when I start to respond to someone. Tangents are moments where I start to expand further and further into additional subjects, that slowly start to seem unrelated to the original statements.

There are times when I feel that I have to break off into tangents as I’m trying to relate their experiences with my own, but sometimes I feel that maybe I went a little over the top. I can’t help it. I just feel a need to express myself, my worry is, do others feel I’m expressing myself too much, >.<;?

I’ve been noticing this a lot more lately, and it’s making me feel uneasy, :(. I worry that people are annoyed with me as there are times when I’m not sure whether I may be writing more than I should.

I expressed myself in my video on my previous channel about my difficulties with my writing. I’ve added a link to the video below this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhNHHsfrbjk.

I have this cannon inside of me that is about ready to burst every time I hit against a subject matter I feel strongly about. Once the fuse line of this cannon strikes a strong subject for me, it triggers the lighting of the fuse. This fuse, combined with listening to music with my earphones, then strikes out powerfully. This is when I get this intense charge inside of me, and I end up writing like Speedy Gonzales, as my mother may refer me to, lol. This charge triggers a feeling inside of me that I feel I have to express myself in full.

I know I talk about school a lot, but that’s because it affected me so badly, it left me with triggers and my PTSD. You see, the need to express myself in full originates from my early school life. This is especially true after those emotional traumas I went through in primary and secondary school. I felt I was misunderstood. After being tricked, and eventually called a ‘creep’ by someone in my peer group, to missing out on a chance to really get to know someone, it enhanced those worries. Being misunderstood is also the feeling I get from my extended family which equally doesn’t help. You combine all of that, and you get a highly charged tangent writing, needing to express and expand on my writing and talking individual.

I feel a need to express myself in full, and this is a feeling shared by my mother as well. She also often finds that she needs to express our story in full in very complex and lengthy writing. I’ve often wondered whether others have found it difficult to respond to her, not only because it hits some very hard areas that really show the system up for what it is, but also because they find it difficult to churn so much information. I totally understand where she’s coming from in that regard, the need to express yourself in case of being misunderstood.

There is another very important point to make about all this. That is that I have had experiences writing on forums as well. These experiences have increased that caution to a greater extent. What I am relating to here is triggers. You see, I’ve said this before, but my triggers can be very damaging and involve education and emotional issues. This can be especially distressing and debilitating as these are subjects that may be written, spoken about or observed many times. Add these triggers to my autism and you have one heck of a combination. The need to express myself in full and travel into tangents, and that relates to my own experiences especially, is that I do not wish to be hurt. My triggers cause me pain, and if I receive a response that takes my triggers lightly. For example, if I receive a message such as, I’ve been able to go to college and university and I’ve done alright, or I’m lucky that I’ve found someone special, well, it’s like I’ve just been given the rope to hang myself. You can never tell when you’ll find and read a message like that. It hits me so hard, like you wouldn’t believe. The intensity of my inward spiral into greater meltdown and depression gets worse and worse the more I experience subjects that hit too close to the mark. I wish you understood just how excruciatingly awkward and almost impossible it is for me to socialise, -_-.

My tangents are my ways of expressing myself in the only way I know how, expand on my own personal experiences and the traumas they’ve caused me. This way I’d hope that it can avoid those painful triggers and I can communicate a lot more smoothly without the concern of feeling misunderstood.

My tangents are also my ways of expressing my interests, like for example, I can have some varied interests. I’m a photographer, nature photographer to be precise, so I’m going to have an interest in photography. I have an interest in birds and other wildlife around the garden since I became interested in photography and started to take photos of them. I have several books that relate to different birds that I may find around the garden; I get excited and often check back to the books every time I see new species I’ve never seen before. I’ve begun to have an interest in gardening after noticing all the colours, shapes and combinations of the flowers and plants around me as I’ve been taking photos of them. I’m often checking the garden to see how everything’s growing, and if I can find any unusual wildflowers that I’d want to add to my collection that I can capture on camera. Herb Robert is a good example as the plant’s new shoots have these interesting red branches that extend to these green leaves, which reminds me of Japanese maple trees. Not to mention, the flower buds look almost alien, and when they flower, they blossom into these really vibrant little raspberry ripple-like pink corncockle flowers.

Another good example of a subject I can talk very in-depth about relates to my interest in the orient, well, China and Japan to be precise. You see, I’ve played the Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors video games series in the past, and little did I know at the time, it has relevance to Chinese and Japanese history. Now, before I knew it, as I begun playing the games, my knowledge was filling with all that information. Since then, I became aware of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms era of China and the Sengoku period of Japan. Now, for some reason I can recall the Romance of the Three Kingdoms a little better than the Sengoku. I think that was because there were more games in the Dynasty Warriors series than the Samurai Warriors as each one would focus on a different country’s history. You see, as I became aware of Romance of the Three Kingdoms and Sengoku, I began wanting to research further into them, and I started reading some books on the Sengoku period of Japan. However; I noticed there was this two-part novel about Romance of the Three Kingdoms. I discovered it was a famous historical Chinese novel that originally spun many, many more pages, but they had to condense it during translation into a two-part novel. I couldn’t believe it, as soon as I picked up the books and started reading, it was like I was aware of what happened before I even read it. Okay, so understandably there were moments in the Romance of the Three Kingdoms book and Japanese history books that contained information that the game didn’t cover. It was, however; close enough to feel strange. I could relate to the story as I was reading it. I was also desperate to go to watch the film Red Cliff in the cinema when it came out in 2008. Red Cliff is basically a famous battle during the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, in Chinese it’s called Chi Bi. What it relates to is a naval battle. This naval battle took place around 208AD. The battle consisted of an overwhelming fleet led by a power-hungry Cao Cao against the combined smaller forces of a kind and benevolent Liu Bei, and Sun Quan. During this battle, a famous strategist of Liu Bei’s, Zhuge Liang could foresee the change in direction of the winds. Zhuge Liang, along with Sun Quan’s strategist of the time, Zhou Yu comprised a fire attack plan. A member of Sun Quan’s forces, Huang Gai, would travel across the water on a boat that would be set on fire, they’d jump ship and the hope was that Cao Cao’s fleet would go up in flames. It was successful.

Well, I better not go into greater detail than that, >.<, but that explains one good example of tangents consisting my interests, be they specialist or general depending on my level of interest.

Again, these tangents involve wanting to express myself, but to a different degree. This is not out of a fear of being misunderstood, but of excitement and losing the ability to control myself as I just begin my onslaught of heavy explanation. I can remember a time when I put my uncle to sleep talking to him about the Romance of the Three Kingdoms. It’s alright for him, he doesn’t understand what it’s like to find out all this information and have no one to express it to. I can also remember the face of another relative when I told it to him, and the look on his face. It still makes me laugh now, that astonishment and surprise, it was like it was straight out of a textbook, lol.

Anyway, these are two examples of tangents and how they make socialising difficult, either because of triggers, misunderstandings and pain, or due to excitement and wanting to talk about my interests.

That’s it for now, and thank you for listening, or reading, :).

Tidal Wave of Anxiety

Anxiety, ha ha, well, this is an intensive subject and spreads in many directions for me. Social is the direction I’ll be focusing in this blog post.

The tidal wave of anxiety, well, I remember feeling this on the three times I met my old friend from primary school with support from my mother, when I was writing to her on Facebook, before everything flipped up on it’s head and I lost her friendship, tragically.

I always feel this gigantic immeasurable level of anxiety build up inside of me. It’s so intense I find it too difficult to get to sleep the closer the deadline is to meeting. Then the day of meeting comes around, and I have just moved into hyper anxiety. I’m worrying constantly, “Oh God! What do I do?!? I hope everything goes alright! But, what if ……, or …… happens, what then?!? Ahhhhh, I can’t think straight!”. That’s just before meeting. When the time comes and I’m there, if it’s my first time seeing them, I freeze and can barely string two words together. It was lucky that my mother was there so that she could talk for me because otherwise I know I’d be sitting there simply responding to questions saying, “Yes”, “No”, “Maybe”. Not to mention, I’ve always felt this aura around the few females I’ve ever spoken to over the years. It feels like they are monuments and I’m a tiny little mouse barely able to string two words together.

You see, you can see me writing like this, but when I come into contact face-to-face, I’m a complete nervous wreck. It’s only when I get used to their presence that I start to feel a little braver to express myself, and it especially helps when I know that I’m being listened to and feel I’m understood. I cannot when I am communicating to someone completely uncaring, unfeeling and hypocritical, but of course that should go without saying. With people like that, I’d either burst out in tears like I did at school, go through instant meltdown. I go through meltdowns because of other people, their treatment of me, watching time slip by me as others are progressing in my peer group, feeling lonely, feeling depressed, or due to painful triggers that remind me of previous pain. Triggers can come from almost any source, from an advert or programme on TV, on movies, out in public or in a person’s words or writing, and they can take me right back to the source of that pain. This can be especially true when it involves emotional or educational. Emotional pain on the spectrum has proved to be absolutely devastating, and educational makes me angry that I still haven’t found the best way that I can cope with learning since my statement of special educational needs ended unfairly when I became 19 years old.

Anyway, after I would come back from meeting someone, that’s when that gigantic immeasurable level of anxiety building up is released, but it isn’t released and gone, oh no. It becomes a tidal wave. This tidal wave sweeps over my mind like an uncontrollable force of energy. From the moment the front door is opened and I’m passed that threshold to the feeling of finally being home, that’s when it instantly hits me. This immense wave immediately makes me feel weak at the knees. I can barely walk, and my thoughts and words are constantly saying, “Did I say the right thing? Was I understood? Did everything go well? What do I do now? What if they didn’t understand me? What am I going to do?”. I go over and over this for the whole day, and it lingers for days until the wave of anxiety returns to it’s usual level, worrying over every message I may or may not receive.

I’m in a constant influx of anxiety, but the moments where I meet someone in terms of socially, as rare as that is, and believe me, that’s never happened since that time, I’m hit by that wave of anxiety.

This is what I mean by the Tidal Wave of Anxiety, and it can be practically a nightmare to meet someone face-to-face, but I need to try. I just know the only way I can cope is by expressing myself to the other person for a long time first, getting to know them by writing to them, and the possibility of making short videos of each other to feel more comfortable, before the possibility of Skype, and then in the future, to perhaps meet in person. It takes time, but I’m willing to try. I just need to find someone I can trust and who understands me to get to that stage with.