ASD Toshiro – Oh So Close, >.<;

Written version of video:

Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short.

The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is how unfair it is to get so close to finding a solution, only to have it snatched away. This section is about the unfairness of getting close to finding a solution to the lack of understanding from those around me, getting to know someone a little more, and my pain. I’ve been so close on each regard, only to have it snatched away by whatever means.

One of these moments was in 2013. It was actually during the wake of my late grandmother. A relative of mine came to visit, someone who doesn’t really know me, other than what my mother explained to him. He apparently worked helping people on the spectrum, but something rather odd happened when I met him. He has Tuberous Sclerosis, but something told me he has autism as well. Why? Well, from what my family told me, he had sustained injury during his birth and this can result in autism. I’ve found out through research that Tuberous Sclerosis has a risk of causing autism.

I found that he was the first person in my whole family, apart from my mother, who understood me. In fact, he understood me better in that short time than I ever expected him to. I was incredibly nervous about the wake and all the people around me, however; when this relative started to relate to what I was experiencing, I felt the icy hold of my anxiety start to slip. That is very unusual and never happens to me, certainly not without some time of getting to know them till I feel more comfortable.

Anyway, what I mean is that I wonder if he is also autistic as well. I don’t think his parents would agree, but I think he has.

What took me by total surprise was his confrontation with a relative of mine, who is around my age. A relative who has never understood me at all, no matter how many times I tried to explain it to her. This visiting relative counteracted this relative that has never understood me. It was epic, I wish you could have seen it. He was explaining about my autism and how it affects me. My other relative didn’t understand and kept going on about potential, her new favourite word. I was saying basically that there is a constant misconception about autism, people either think you have to be Kanner autistic or Einstein, but people like myself that fit between the two keep falling through the net. Which is what has happened with me. My distant relative agreed with me, but my other relative couldn’t think of a comeback, and just broke. It was so strange. It was like she was shattered before my eyes, broke into tears and stormed out of the house. I couldn’t believe it, someone was defending me from my hostile relative, and it was working.

Unfortunately, this relative had to move away again since he only came for a visit and lives far away. This, however; is a good proof that support from someone who’s autistic or very much like it, does exist, if you can find it. I felt exhilarated to see someone other than my mum fighting on my side, who could see the world and the people around me the way I did. It was so unusual as that never happens, certainly not to me. However; when he moved away again, I was back to square one. I found a solution, but it was unfairly taken away from me. This is a good proof of something I know will help me as it already has, if only briefly, but finding a permanent version is the difficulty I have.

Another experience I went through involves my Facebook friend. Well, I’ve already explained that one in a previous blog entry. Basically, she was starting to open up to me, towards the end of our friendship before everything turned sour because of her friendship with a bully of mine. I could notice her messages were starting to change, she started to open up to me about subjects she never talked to me before, like she began to trust me. I was so close to getting to the next stage of friendship, it felt like a door was beginning to open, like I was moving onto the next level in a video game, but it was cruelly snatched away from me. I couldn’t continue when she was accusing my autism for taking the bullying I’ve been through too seriously. It’s like the game crashed and I lost the saved game I worked so hard on, leaving me having to start from scratch, and I lost the game itself so I’ve had to find a replacement, >.<;.

Not only that, but I was inspired recently by a suggestion that sounded hopeful, it gave me an adrenaline rush, I felt this power I’ve never experienced before. I felt this intense energy burst, like I had a goal that was reachable and I needed to do whatever I could to make sure I could succeed. I felt so much strength and drive that gave me a boost. I was determined to get a task done, I was working hard at it. That’s when all of a sudden, I’m told, that they couldn’t fulfil that suggestion. I felt like I just received a 1000-ton weight on top of me, I just sank. I dropped down lower into depression than I was before. I was so hopeful, thinking that at last something really good would happen and I wanted to make an effort until I realized, “No, of course not, you’re fooling yourself to ever think you were going to succeed! You’ve got no hope! There’s no point anymore, everything just keeps crashing! One minute it’s there, and you know it would help, the next minute it’s all taken away from you.”

You know, as I’m experiencing these answers that come ever so close, but are taken away, I feel, is there someone up there playing tricks on me, giving me a taster of what will help, yet denying me the right to a permanent answer. I know what will help me, I’ve witnessed it myself, but getting a permanent solution it’s like reaching for the stars. You climb a mountain to get closer, you see it clearer, it’s brighter, but it’s leagues away. You can’t get there as it’s just too far out of reach. You can climb a mountain, but you need a spaceship in order to make the distance.

It’s cruel to face that answer and have it nabbed away before you’ve had the chance to feel it’s full effect. It really does feel like someone toying with me, messing me around, getting some kind of enjoyment out of watching me suffer. Why is it that the answer is too far out of reach? Why? Why can’t it permanent? Why can’t I find an answer that lasts? I need to find the answer to my goal, and I’ve been searching for so long, and I’ve faced trauma along the way. How much more do I have to endure until I find a permanent solution?

Anyway, that’s it for now, I wish it didn’t have to be ‘it’, I still need to find an answer. ‘That’s it for now’ is a poor choice of words, I guess I should say, “this is the end of the audio video or written blog, but the continuation to find answers, at least I hope I’m successful”. “I can only hope that some miracle will come down and make life feel worth living” my inner heart is telling me, …… “As if that’s ever going to happen. You’d have a better chance winning the lottery!” my critical inner mind tells me, -_-. The battleground between mind and heart. See what I mean? Inner turmoil, which isn’t helped if I’m treated badly by others as explained in my previous blog entry, ‘Abuse from ASD Forum’, :(. It fuels the feelings of worthlessness, like I don’t belong on this planet, like I was never meant to be born.

Well, thank you for listening or reading, :).

ASD Toshiro – Causes of Meltdowns

Written version of video:

Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short.

The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is possible causes of meltdowns. What has been annoying me for a while now is that I’ve more often seen on the internet the results of a meltdown, but I haven’t seen a focus on the possible causes. I can only relate from my own experiences, but my meltdowns are very meaningful. I do not go into meltdown mode for no reason whatsoever. They are not brought on by a whim, they are triggered. I do have reasons. These reasons come under some very real concerns of mine.

Now, when you think about it, we all have boiling points. Moments where we have reached our limit and enough is enough. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the spectrum or not, we all feel pressure, stress and frustration. Well, I feel that when you are on the spectrum that threshold is a lot lower, therefore we can get to our boiling point much more sooner. When you add PTSD into the autistic mix, you have a very powerful force. Why? Because PTSD involves trauma, and a reaction to triggers can bring back painful memories. Can you imagine the impact that has on my boiling point? PTSD involves pain, traumatic pain. In that respect, the idea that people on the spectrum show no emotion is proven to be absolutely false. Now, not only do I understand pain from my own experiences, upset and angry when I’m hurt, I feel lonely, but when it comes to meltdowns, what are they? They are huge emotional bursts of energy. That’s right, emotional bursts of energy. So, you can say that when you’re on the spectrum, you feel much more vividly. The emotions you get are much stronger. The reactions you have from the experiences you face are a lot more meaningful. In fact, when you’ve gone through trauma, it is a heck of a lot more meaningful.

But why do meltdowns happen?

Well, in my case it can be because of many reasons. One is when I have been badly hurt by an incident that happened to me, in whatever form. It can come from reacting to a trigger I’ve witnessed that brings back the painful memories of my past, and equally reminds me of my current predicament. I’ve also notice I have other triggers as well, the difficulties I have with travelling, especially to Japan and China spring to mind. Another cause of my meltdowns can come from noticing a clear distinction between my own abilities and those of my peer group. I can also find myself experiencing meltdowns because of a lack of understanding by those I’m interacting with or could effect me in some way, shape or form. From losing a good friend, causing me immense pain.

They are just some of the examples, and what do they all have in common? They are all tied to very real afflictions. They are all very painful and difficult to cope with. They are also beyond my control. I cannot prevent my meltdowns if they are tied to experiences like the ones I’ve mentioned because they are all connected to feelings, and they are all painful. The greater the pain, the greater the meltdown. When you look at it that way, meltdowns are the physical ways our bodies are telling ourselves and others just how upset we feel. We want both ourselves and others to know just how painful it really is. We want to find answers to rectify the pains we are going through, and not just to ignore them, hoping the meltdowns will just go away. Meltdowns are warnings of how upset we feel. I feel, you shouldn’t ignore the reasons for a meltdown and simply find ways to control them. Think about why these meltdowns are happening. The autistic person must be suffering from anything from loud noisy environments to the social difficulties they are facing in the outside world.

The cause of meltdowns needs to be dealt with for the meltdowns to decrease in both severity and quantity. For the autistic person to be in a safe, caring, and understanding environment where they are able to fulfil their dreams and live a satisfying life, that is when I feel their meltdowns may be practically non-existent, at least that is my belief.

That’s it for now and thank you for listening or reading, :).

ASD Toshiro – Being True to Myself

Written form of video:

Hi everyone, I’ve decided to change my YouTube channel to a name that relates more to my new Twitter account. So, my alias now is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short. I have attached several links beneath my video. The first link is to my Twitter account, the other is to my WordPress blog about Living on the Autistic Spectrum, the link after that is to my new social forum for those on the autistic spectrum looking to make friends. The last link is to my old YouTube channel AS Bushido.

I’ve decided to convert my latest forum post on an ASD forum into this audio video format. So, here goes.

I’ve not been on the ASD forum for a long while now, I’ve been busy trying to set up a new blog (https://livingwithas….wordpress.com/) and Twitter account (https://twitter.com/toshiroh9). I’m not all that fond of Twitter as I find it very difficult to condense my writing into tiny little sentences with abbreviations, which is why I’m using my blog to channel my larger pieces of writing alongside. Of course, I’m also going to be using this YouTube channel to post some of my written words into audio as well.

Self delusion, yes, this is an very interesting subject. The idea to ‘mask’ yourself to ‘fit in’, trying to be ‘normal’, ‘mimic’ neurotypicals. I have never understood any of those quotes, and I’ve never wanted to live by them. I am true to myself, I stay true to my values and principles. If my autism isn’t understood by those I’d be supposed to be ‘mimicking’, I wouldn’t want to be associated with them. What good is hypocritical people that say one thing one minute, and completely backtrack on every word they’ve spoken the next.

In fact, it takes me back to my first ever forum thread on the forum I’m reading this from. I’ve added a link through to the forum thread I’m referring to below this video. It’s called My Battleground Puzzle Mind. At the time I was friends with a neurotypical, writing to her on Facebook at the suggestion of my mother’s, a friend that I spoke very briefly to towards the end of primary school.  I was in denial of the fact that she was friends with a bully of mine, a bully connected to an emotional bullying incident that cut me very deeply at my young and impressionable age. I saw her posting on Facebook about going on a trip with this bully and her brother. What I meant in the beginning of my forum thread was my mind and heart conflicting with each other in knowing what to do about the idea that my friend and this bully were friends. Since that time, for months, I put the idea to the back of my mind. That was a bad idea, but then I had no choice. I was alone, and I still am in many ways. I had to hold onto that friendship because what else could I do? I just began explaining to her the bullying I went through and how it affected me. She told me that bullies grow out of bullying, but I was expressing to her that it isn’t always the case, after all what about criminals and MPs? Do they care about people, or the damage they are causing to many people’s lives? No. However; I could tell that she couldn’t understand what I meant, -_-. Basically, it was earlier the following year that I found a following message on Facebook that my bully cooked my friend a meal. To me, this had many inclinations, and I just snapped. I felt this immeasurable intensity build up inside of me, much like the pinnacle of my breakdown at school. I needed to tell her about my bully, but I was so emotionally charged, I pinned the blame all on that one bully, when I reflected later, he wasn’t the only one in that class involved in that emotional bullying. Looking back on that class, I can reflect a lot was due to the fact that I switched classes to the last one in primary school. Someone I briefly spoke to from my class later on told me that she knew I was bullied, and she only saw me in that class for two years. How could she have known? The class must have been told before I switched classes that I was being bullied, which must have been the reason why I was so badly emotionally bullied on that very last primary school year. It left me with a scar, and a scar that lingered, off-shooting into additional emotional traumas.

Anyway, to get back onto the message that I sent my friend, I never received a response from her, instead she wrote to my mother and she was blaming my autism for taking it too seriously. I was shocked and taken aback by those words. She told me in her previous messages that she didn’t judge people on their disabilities, so what was she doing accusing my autism? Talk about betrayal. Since that time she never wrote to me again.

Our friendship spun one whole year, and ironically it was snowing at it’s entry and its departure. The gentle flurry becoming ice cold landing into my soul.

These are the types of people we should be ‘masking’ ourselves to ‘fit in’ with, trying to be like them, to ‘mimic’ these neurotypicals? You cannot be sure who is genuine and who isn’t and when you find that people are outright hypocrites, it can take us a very long time to even work that out. Too long as far as I’m concerned, -_-. Why try to ‘fit in’ with people that are deluding themselves into thinking the world is a bed of roses, when evidence has proven the contrary? Delusion can only lead to destruction in the long term. You can ignore an issue for only so long before it comes back to bite you where it causes the most severe damage. Be that in terms of social interaction or the country and worldwide issues.

At the loss of her friendship, I felt this sudden heart-wrenching pain inside of me, it was greater than the meltdown I experienced the first time I found out she was friends with my bully. I went through a much more intensive meltdown. This was because I was trying to hold myself, trying to explain my experiences to this friend in an attempt to try to show her the power of my bullies actions on me were. She couldn’t understand any of it, and the subject of emotional pain, especially when I found it so difficult to open up about at the time, telling a female friend felt like social suicide to me, -_-. This was all because I tried to control myself and express parts of what happened to me to my friend, but no matter how hard I tried, she still blamed my autism.

Self delusion didn’t help me with my Facebook friend, it only led me into further destruction. I want to find more like-minded people, not try to meld my mind to ‘fit in’ with others. I am not ashamed of my values and principles, I wish to pursue them and find others that feel the same.

I’m always aiming to be true to myself, even at the expense of losing that friend on Facebook. It took me a whole year to work out that she wasn’t true to herself, even her messages to me at that point completely changed. It was like I was talking to a completely different person. The truth is, and I’ve said this before in several places, is that too many people are wearing ‘masks’, when what lies beneath is something far more sinister. This is what has caused me so much trouble in the social world. What lies beneath each ‘mask’? Who truly cares, who truly understands, who would truly be interested in writing to me? These are all fundamental questions that I’ve tried so hard to find the answers to, and why should I have to spend so many years just to work out a simple fact? True or false, which is it?

This is what takes me right back to my emotional pain when I was 13. After I was bullied in primary school, when I was 10, I was called a ‘creep’. It hit me like a sledgehammer, and I died inside the moment that word was uttered. I couldn’t talk about it for many years, but the moment I turned 13, something totally unexpected happened. I was confronted by three females, one of whom told me one of them liked me. After that emotional bullying, I was going through so much pain, I didn’t know truth from fiction. I couldn’t tell if these females were teasing me or were genuine. l just dismissed them politely. I thought it was all a dream, and that it never happened. That was until I was cursed two more times later as I came into contact with the female that liked me on two separate occasions. Both of which surrounded immense anxiety and I couldn’t go up to her, nor express my thoughts as my anxiety was through the roof. The reasons why I look back and consider that she may have liked me is her reaction on those two occasions. The first time she was shocked to see me and made a mistake in her bank clerking job. The second time she was sitting a long way from me, and she was waving at me, smiling, whilst I had my back to her. I didn’t even notice her until I turned around.

True or false, how could I have known? How could I have known after I was emotionally bullied that someone truly liked me? I was bullied so much, I never even thought anything like that could ever happen to me. It did, but I totally missed it, and it has never left me. I used to constantly say, “You’re an idiot!”, every time I’m worried about emotional issues. Not to mention, I have immensely painful triggers on the subject of emotional feelings.

About confusing the mind, I’ve become all too aware that there are organisations running in this country and abroad that are doing just that, confusing the mind, sending out misinformation, confusing hypnotic language, not to mention the sheer amount of trolls across the social networking websites all designed to sway our thoughts and values.

When it comes to being true to yourself, unfortunately, there are too many people out there that believe that they have to ‘fit in’, yet you should know within yourself what is right and wrong, and not be influenced by the mass media culture, in whatever it’s forms. It doesn’t matter what the latest trend is, if it involves something that stands against what you know deep down is common sense and what is right. Allowing them to alter your thoughts and feelings turns you into a robotic zombie without a thought of your own. I do not wish to be a sheep led by shepherds, rather the outsider who knows that delving into the herd will lose your own identity. To the mass media and trends, not to mention the elite in general, see us all as numbers, purely statistics, rather than a human being with a voice. Be a voice, show people that you’re not a zombie, at least that is my aim. To prove that I am true to myself, to prove that I don’t live my life through falseness. I do not wish to conform to the status quo, I know I need to question it, analyse it, and work out what is truly going on.

Thank you for reading and/or watching my video, 🙂

Wrenching Breakdown in a Neurotypical Friendship

This is a post from an older blog of mine which I’ve altered and rejuvenated onto my WordPress blog.

What I found most poignant is the weather at the start and end of this friendship. It was snowing, both times. It was like a chapter marking the beginning and the end. Ice crystals gently floating to earth, to signify an old friend. At the next sight of snow, as cold as ice, every hope I held onto with my old friend started to shatter around me.

Some time ago, I had a friend that I felt betrayed me, I don’t think it was intentional, but the pain it caused me was immense. This friend was an old friend I briefly used to talk to at the last year of primary school when I was 10 years old. There was a time when I went through a breakdown though and refused to see her when she came to my house, though it wasn’t a breakdown caused because of her, >.<;. I wanted to try to settle my regret for not seeing her all those years ago so, at my mother’s suggestion, I added her as a friend on Facebook a few years ago and started writing to her. All seemed to go well, that was until one of my bullies, who happened to be in the same class as her and I back at school, turned out to be a friend of hers. I found that out by a message my friend wrote on Facebook about herself, her brother, and my bully going out somewhere. Now, you may say that that was then and this is now, but what really hurt me is what he alongside a couple of other bullies caused me later on. He wasn’t the only bully, there were several involved, but the bullying incident that happened around that time really embarrassed me and caused me to withdraw into myself. It took me a long time to open up to my mum about it, but in the meantime, in secondary school I missed out on opening up to a female that may have liked me.

This hurt me greatly and the thought of my friend on Facebook being friends with a bully that struck me when I was down and embarrassed, caused me to have a mini-breakdown. Of course, I didn’t end our friendship there, oh no, I instead tried to explain my pain to her and the bullies that affected me. It was going well for a few months, and alongside my mum, we even went out to meet each other three times. It all ended after I was about to explain about the bully when all of a sudden she posted another message on Facebook. This time, my bully cooked my friend a meal, and she was praising him for it. This may not mean much on the surface, but to my analytical mind, I saw that it could have meant many things. I felt I had to tell her about my bully, I could wait no longer. Unfortunately, when I told her about him, I made many spelling mistakes and pinned the blame entirely on my bully when there were actually a few more involved, but nevertheless, considering my emotional state I hoped she could understand where I was coming from.

Instead of writing back to me, she wrote to my mum explaining that it was simply due to my autism as to why I took what my bully did to me seriously. I was hurt by that, as not only was she pinning the blame on my condition, she was also backtracking on her words to me. In the messages we exchanged with each other before, she told me that she didn’t judge me because of my disability, then why did she then? Was it because her friend was my bully? Well, whatever the case, when her birthday came around, I sent her an e-card, but when mine came, she never sent me one in return. By that I assume she doesn’t want to know. Again, I spent all those months getting to know her, explaining about my bullying, my autism, and for what? So that she can walk away? Sometimes I really don’t know why I bother, but I have to keep fighting, and that’s why I decided to continue and start writing this blog and created my forum.

My battleground puzzle mind

The writing below was the first post I made on an ASD forum, and it was my code message way of explaining my worries about a friend (someone I knew briefly from primary school) I was writing to on Facebook for about a year.

‘My mind and heart are on a constant battleground, neither has a greater majority over the other, they are in constant conflict. I am never able to settle on something, when something is resolved it reminds me immediately of something else. There are puzzle pieces in my mind; I am never settled until the puzzle has been worked out. I have no other choice but to complete the puzzle. I am held at gunpoint by my mind. I need to find the answer, if it is bad it is overwhelming, if it is good I can rest on that particular subject. If I am lied to and find out later, it feels much worse. My mind is like a computer and my heart is human. My head is telling me to face the answer whether I like it or not. My heart is telling me to avoid it, and don’t find out, but it is so pained by dismissing the truth. This is my battleground. This is what I have been faced with since primary school. It is not easy, but just the same it is uncontrollable. I am just the person sitting in the background, I am not able to intrude into the conflict inside of me, but oh, how I try, :(.

I feel I always need to pursue a problem, no matter how it may harm me. When I obtain puzzle pieces my mind automatically feels pain, I feel if I do not resolve an issue I will be stuck with the pain, but if it’s true I could be causing a greater pain. It is always a risk. It is horrible, I am in an ever growing cycle of depression.’