ASD Toshiro – Abuse from ASD Forums

Written version of video:

Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short.

The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is the abuse I’ve received from ASD online forums. Now, this is something I feel very strongly and angry about, and is evil targeting the most vulnerable through total lack of understanding and care. I wrote on forums in the past, and I’ve been hurt by them. In the private messages in a UK forum, I was told I was ‘childish’ because of my triggers involving an educational environment.

On one worldwide ASD forum, I can remember being told that the others on the forum were in a better position than myself. So, basically, trying to write on the forum, I’m not going to find others that can understand where I’m coming from? So, it’s hopeless? After that comment, I thought, what’s the point?

On another worldwide ASD forum, I wanted my mother to write on my behalf to try to find someone willing to write to me. I kept an eye on the responses until I saw very hurtful ones. They started to abuse my mother across the internet! So, no one is safe from the onslaught then, huh? I went onto the forum, and made my own response, and although it seemed to ease up a little, all of a sudden, a couple of people were accusing my mother saying that my writing was from her, imitating myself, >.<;. I felt very angry at that, I couldn’t sit by and watch her suffer at the hands of those brutal responses, I put my heart and soul into the lengthy response I made that spun 5 pages across Microsoft Word. I worked so hard on that, and they accuse me of being ‘fake’, of being a ‘troll’. To be insulted so badly by the autistic community on a forum, from being called ‘childish’, to being told I’m fake, like I don’t even exist. Like I didn’t get that type of treatment from school. It’s responses and moments like this when I wonder why I even bother writing on the internet at all, >:(. It makes me very angry. I try my best, I put everything I can into my writing and still no one understands nor cares, and on top of that, abuse me. Autistic people on a forum, a forum that is supposed to be ‘supportive’, abuse other autistics, it’s a joke. Only a sick one.

They were even implying that my mother needed to seek psychiatric help for helping me to find someone to write to from the forum. I was abused in private messages on an ASD forum before by a man in his 40’s calling me ‘childish’ due to my triggers involving an educational environment. I didn’t want to have to face that again, so I needed my mother for support, but instead they chose to accuse her!

It hurt me so badly to see them treat us both that way, it drove me near to the edge. It cut me so deeply to be abused by people I thought would understand where I’m coming from. That abuse, how evil can they be?!? This is coming from the autistic community? I don’t understand it. How can another autistic person abuse another? There’s something clearly wrong with this picture. They’re pinning autistic people against each other. It’s evil and abhorrent.

In fact, my response to that abuse, was the following:

‘I put my heart and soul out there, and I am constantly abused. To say that I am my mother, you have no idea how hurtful your words are, :(. I have put so much effort into writing online, and to face that type of abuse is abhorrent. I feel ashamed to think that there are those on the spectrum that enjoy to see another suffer because of their trauma and accusing them as if they don’t exist.

You nearly gave me a heart attack with that response. That was so hurtful, :(. My heart is beating nine to the dozen.

I’ve had enough of that from my school life, I don’t need that type of abuse now in my present circumstances, especially from the autistic community. This is exactly why I find it so difficult to write on the internet, to face abuse like this is sickening. I don’t understand how an autistic person can say such abusive comments to another. It’s absolutely beyond me.

I’m already feeling uneasy about writing on here, particularly facing abuse like that. I have PTSD, do you honestly think I need to hear comments like those ?!? I feel so, so angry right now. I feel like my soul is reaching out of my body and rising above my head, :(.

It is only my mother and I, she already told you our family was unlawfully and wrongly split apart. My mother is the only one that I can turn to in my family and trust. I live with my mother not my father, and soon after he found out I was on the spectrum, he didn’t come to see me anymore. I tried to send him a letter and a Christmas card I had made from my photographs, but he had moved without telling me his new address. He died a year or two later, and we only found out from one the relatives, and they told us he never received my letter or card. My sister ran away when I was 7 years old, not from my mother, but my father.’

It’s times like these I wonder why I even bother. What is the point when all I receive is hurtful responses that take no consideration to what I’ve written? I did the best I could. I put everything I can into what I write, but maybe that’s it, maybe putting my heart on the line leaves me vulnerable. I can’t help it; I need to be able to get across my feelings because otherwise how else would I be able to find people who’d want to write to me. Surely I have to be myself, no?

I wanted my mother to begin writing on the forum on my behalf because of the shear abuse I received before, but I wasn’t going stand by and watch as my mother was being abused across the internet before my eyes. How can they do that? It hurts me so much to cause us more suffering than we already have. What gives them the right to hurt us this way?!? Should I even continue, is there any point? Am I going to keep receiving that kind of abuse across the internet? I can’t take much more of this; it cuts me so deeply. I wish people knew and cared about the pain these people online are causing, or do they even care? I have to find someone willing to write to me, but do I have to be abused along the way? Why are they doing this to my mum and I? My mum is the only person I can trust to help me, and when she tries, she faces abuse as well! If you abuse my mother, you also abuse me as well since she is my support. How can it be right to abuse a mother trying to help support a son on the spectrum by helping me to find someone to write to? I’ve been on forums before, and I didn’t want to face that abuse again, but I didn’t realise they would turn that hostile towards my mother. They were like a pack of wolves striking upon anyone that was vulnerable, and my mother and I were prime targets!

What did they honestly think abuse like that would do to a person affected by ASD and PTSD?!? Do they want me to feel worthless, like life is hopeless, like I don’t have a hope in this hell of a life? Do they want to see me suffer? Do they want me to sink into deeper levels of depression? Do they enjoy torturing my mother and I? Do they get some sick pleasure out of it?

I still can’t get those hurtful words out of my mind, :(.

What gives them the right to treat us that way?

I’m sorry for that outburst, :(, but it just enrages me so much that there are those on the spectrum on forums out there that can cause so much abuse to others on the spectrum in vulnerable situations. I don’t see how I’m going to be writing on a forum, not when I receive that abuse, but where can I go? The internet is the only way I can cope with to socialise, and I’ve been hurt many times by it, is there nowhere that’s safe for someone struggling to socialise on the spectrum like me?

My whole sleeping pattern has gone upside-down again all due to that abuse. Meltdown during the night, went to sleep about midday, the following day, and got up the day after around 4:00am. I’ve at least skipped a day. It took me a while to get back into sync in order to get this done. You should have seen the meltdown that ensued after those evil comments. It felt like they couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died! Bullying at school is one thing, but from the autistic community on a supportive forum, what the hell is going on in this world?!?

Anyway, that’s it for now and thank you for listening or reading, :).

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8 thoughts on “ASD Toshiro – Abuse from ASD Forums

    1. Hi Megan

      Thank you so much for your kind words and concern,🙂. It did very much upset both myself and my mother. As I said in my video and writing, I went through an intense meltdown because of it. In fact, every time these things happen, I’m betrayed, hurt, or the twist of fate kicks in, my meltdowns progressively get worse. Why? It’s because the more these things happen, the more hopeless it all feels. My meltdowns are my ways of saying that I’m sick of being treated this way, of facing uncaring, unfeeling individuals, of my life not playing out the way I’d want it to, certainly the way I need it to.

      In fact, I had to spend some time drowning my mind in my video games in order escape from the harshness of the internet. It’s not easy to build the courage to write online, to face that randomness, the unpredictability. Also, due to my PTSD, it makes writing on the internet become even harder because the triggers I’m affected by involve education and the emotional side, and they kick in every time either one is mentioned, particularly in the positive. Life has been cruel to me in both regards, I’ve wanted to continue in further education, but my statement of special educational needs ended when I turned 19 years old, and everyone left, leaving me with no further education. Not to mention, I was taught from behind my bedroom door for 5 and a half years by two home and hospital tutors. When it comes to emotional pain, well, it stems from a chain of events that began at school. I talk about it in my blogs. Anyway, this caused me to become as fearful of females about as much I’ve wanted to find someone to write to. I want to conquer that fear, and the only way I feel I can find an even keel is to try to find someone willing to write to me. I prefer writing the old fashioned way, one to one as I find it much easier. Providing I can explain myself well enough and I’m understood, it should be able to lessen the effects my triggers have if they can avoid certain subjects.

      The trouble is, the internet is the only way I feel the easier to cope with, even when I come across what I have. The reason why I say that is because face-to-face interaction is 10 times harder. To be honest, either comes with it’s own dangers, but I can’t see any other way. The internet is the only way I’ve found to be able to express myself well enough.

      Thanks again for your concern,🙂.

  1. It is really sad that you have undergone such cruelty from those who you thought would understand and care. If the Autistic people cannot support each other then they can’t expect the NT people to care a damn about us.
    I guess that is one thing that some autistics have learnt from the NTs … how to excel in nastiness.

    1. Yes, it hit me quite badly to see both my mother and I being treated that way by certain members of the autistic community on a supposedly ‘supportive’ forum, -_-.

      Yes, I suppose you’re right, some autistics may well have learnt how to be nasty. If they had any ounce of understanding of what it’s like living on the autistic spectrum, they should realise the effects of what they do. A lot of people on the spectrum have been bullied at school, do they honestly think that we need that now as we are growing up? Feeling alienated and finding it difficult to interact with others led me to the internet in order to find others I can socialise with. If I’d want to be treated that way, I’d walk right into a herd of arrogant neurotypicals. What is a forum there for? Abuse or an open minded caring environment? Clearly from my experience it’s for abuse!

      When I face treatment like that, it slows me down. The momentum I had in writing on the internet to try to make friends starts to suffer. I either create new accounts and start all over again, or avoid the internet to stay away from that which caused me pain. Too many thoughts start buzzing around my mind, and I need to have a break. I start playing video games. I play them to escape this world. I play video games to escape into my own world because this one is too cruel. I need to get away from this one, if only I could do that literally, -_-. I just want to find trustworthy, genuine people to make friends and get to know, is that so wrong ?!? Why should my mother and I be abused because of that? It’s no my fault I find it difficult to socialise in the outside world, or the way my family has been treated by the corrupt system.

      Where in the world can I find a way to socialise more easily on a one to one basis, in an open minded caring environment where people get to know you instead of making abusive accusations. You see, this is why I prefer one to one socialising as you’re less likely to find those abusive comments unless they are coming from the person you are writing to.

      It’s times like those I wonder why I write on the internet at all, :(. At the same time, I’m aware of how difficult I find it to socialise in general, the internet is my only real source of socialising as I find, interacting face-to-face carries with it a very high anxiety threshold.

      From what I’ve seen so far, the internet can be just as risky as the outside world, but what the internet has that the outside doesn’t is a wider audience. Unfortunately, when you have people on the internet people don’t always care about what they say to another as they’d never have to worry about seeing the pain they go through afterwards. The trouble is, what choice do I have.

      The truth is, I am not a massive social network user. The only times I do use them is to try to reach out there to find someone to write to. What I’ve noticed is that no matter how hard I try, I keep coming across either barriers, or infernos just waiting to strike when you get too close.

      I like writing the old fashioned way, one to one in private messages, like sending emails, etc. It’s just finding someone willing to write and get to know me that’s the hard part. I’ve tried many ways, including pen pal adverts, but despite my efforts, it all comes crashing down. I’ve tried writing to several people, but eventually something always goes wrong, one person couldn’t cope with the length of my writing, one person just stopped writing to me when I expressed my thoughts, and as I’ve mentioned on my blog, my old primary school friend accused my autism for the bullying I went through. That’s just a few examples, -_-.

      Is it too much to ask to find someone willing to write to me, someone willing to get to know me? All I wanted was to be able to make new friends in a one to one basis, :(. I don’t like writing across a worldwide spectrum, just one to one based. I can’t cope with all the intricacies of a massive network of messages. I have PSTD, and that involves triggers, triggers that can present themselves whenever I come across something that reminds me of my current predicament, >.<;.

      May I ask where you are? Are you in the UK or abroad?

  2. I don’t mean to be mean but I’ve been betrayed too often by trusting people asking for information … it is of no consequence where I live.
    Revealing vulnerabilities on blogs etc. seems to attract the nasties so it could be a good idea to avoid writing on these subjects. That is advice I’m giving myself.
    My intent on blogging is to pursue a positive discussion on where autism stands in relation to the status quo’s systems.

  3. I was just reading a post from another autistic about the abuse they recently have suffered within the online AS community right before I read yours. I’m very sorry for what you’ve endured. Like you, I was bullied all throughout school. It did feel like a prison sentence, and those who have never experienced that kind of treatment will never be able to relate, and that includes fellow autistics. I do hope you find support and encouragement online. There are some truly good, good people out there.

    1. I’m so sorry, MHalverson, it’s taken me so long to approve your message and reply, :(. I’m going through so much trauma these days. Being bullied at school is an awful experience, but on the other hand, it can really teach you what lies in the hearts of people, because all I’ve ever witnessed was people with their own twisted agendas, and their will to see you crash and burn, while they’re riding high. I have never, ever, in my life truly witness real compassion, love and care, from anyone other than my own mother and grandmother… It’s so horrible, I just don’t know where to find these genuinely good people and genuine support and encouragement, and not more falsehoods… There are so many fake and false people out there who may sound encouraging, but are merely wolves in sheep’s clothing. How do you truly know who you can and cannot trust? Honestly, how?

      I keep getting hurt all the time across the internet, and it’s become so bad now, especially since I lost the only female friend I ever had earlier this year and it’s absolutely killing me… She was on the autistic spectrum herself, and I grew to have romantic feelings towards her, over the more than five and half years we wrote to each other. I sent her many heartfelt gifts, I sent her affectionate, encouraging and even loving words to her. I met her and her mother once, towards the end. However; she didn’t want to get to know me, nor anyone else romantically, no matter how much I put into everything I ever did for her. She meant A GREAT DEAL to me, but she threw it all away, and couldn’t have cared less!!! It’s completely drained me dry. I feel like I’ve lost everything. The internet has become so hostile these days; I just see no answer. I feel very much alone and lonely, and this female was the only person of the opposite sex around my age, in a similar situation to me. I am on benefits, I have severe social PTSD, along with my autism, which each by themselves is torture, but to put them together is HELL ON EARTH. If you only knew what it was like experiencing PTSD ‘triggers’ simply hearing a girl’s voice from over the garden fence, to hearing people around my age having a good time, it’s horrific, it REALLY is! The world is so cruel to someone like me. I have tried so hard, but I can’t socialise as easily as everyone else. Dating is far too difficult, I can’t cope with instant impact, I need to get to know a female first in order to get to know them, to help me to feel safe. I can’t drive, neither can my mother, we’re both affected by severe anxiety, not to mention, my mother is affected by lipoedema, arthiritis, so travelling is out of the question. They’ve had to live nearby, or be able to get to us. We are in Berkshire in the United Kingdom, I wonder how many interested females there are around my area who would accept me and all my difficulties, because I certainly can’t find them, and I can’t just ‘go down the pub’, I have no siblings around I could turn to, my only sister lives very far away, in Wales, has severely damaged her leg, and the hospitals over there have left her in a worse state! What I’m trying to say is, I can’t socialise like a neurotypical, and I MOST CERTAINLY CANNOT ‘pass’ nor ‘mask’ as a neurotypical, it CANNOT BE DONE FOR ME. I have NEVER been able to, and besides, I really don’t want to have to mimic falsehoods. I need to be me, if I’m not me, how am I going to feel safe in the company I am trying to get to know? It’s ridiculous…

      I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do anymore…

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