ASD Toshiro – Oh So Close, >.<;

Written version of video:

Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short.

The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is how unfair it is to get so close to finding a solution, only to have it snatched away. This section is about the unfairness of getting close to finding a solution to the lack of understanding from those around me, getting to know someone a little more, and my pain. I’ve been so close on each regard, only to have it snatched away by whatever means.

One of these moments was in 2013. It was actually during the wake of my late grandmother. A relative of mine came to visit, someone who doesn’t really know me, other than what my mother explained to him. He apparently worked helping people on the spectrum, but something rather odd happened when I met him. He has Tuberous Sclerosis, but something told me he has autism as well. Why? Well, from what my family told me, he had sustained injury during his birth and this can result in autism. I’ve found out through research that Tuberous Sclerosis has a risk of causing autism.

I found that he was the first person in my whole family, apart from my mother, who understood me. In fact, he understood me better in that short time than I ever expected him to. I was incredibly nervous about the wake and all the people around me, however; when this relative started to relate to what I was experiencing, I felt the icy hold of my anxiety start to slip. That is very unusual and never happens to me, certainly not without some time of getting to know them till I feel more comfortable.

Anyway, what I mean is that I wonder if he is also autistic as well. I don’t think his parents would agree, but I think he has.

What took me by total surprise was his confrontation with a relative of mine, who is around my age. A relative who has never understood me at all, no matter how many times I tried to explain it to her. This visiting relative counteracted this relative that has never understood me. It was epic, I wish you could have seen it. He was explaining about my autism and how it affects me. My other relative didn’t understand and kept going on about potential, her new favourite word. I was saying basically that there is a constant misconception about autism, people either think you have to be Kanner autistic or Einstein, but people like myself that fit between the two keep falling through the net. Which is what has happened with me. My distant relative agreed with me, but my other relative couldn’t think of a comeback, and just broke. It was so strange. It was like she was shattered before my eyes, broke into tears and stormed out of the house. I couldn’t believe it, someone was defending me from my hostile relative, and it was working.

Unfortunately, this relative had to move away again since he only came for a visit and lives far away. This, however; is a good proof that support from someone who’s autistic or very much like it, does exist, if you can find it. I felt exhilarated to see someone other than my mum fighting on my side, who could see the world and the people around me the way I did. It was so unusual as that never happens, certainly not to me. However; when he moved away again, I was back to square one. I found a solution, but it was unfairly taken away from me. This is a good proof of something I know will help me as it already has, if only briefly, but finding a permanent version is the difficulty I have.

Another experience I went through involves my Facebook friend. Well, I’ve already explained that one in a previous blog entry. Basically, she was starting to open up to me, towards the end of our friendship before everything turned sour because of her friendship with a bully of mine. I could notice her messages were starting to change, she started to open up to me about subjects she never talked to me before, like she began to trust me. I was so close to getting to the next stage of friendship, it felt like a door was beginning to open, like I was moving onto the next level in a video game, but it was cruelly snatched away from me. I couldn’t continue when she was accusing my autism for taking the bullying I’ve been through too seriously. It’s like the game crashed and I lost the saved game I worked so hard on, leaving me having to start from scratch, and I lost the game itself so I’ve had to find a replacement, >.<;.

Not only that, but I was inspired recently by a suggestion that sounded hopeful, it gave me an adrenaline rush, I felt this power I’ve never experienced before. I felt this intense energy burst, like I had a goal that was reachable and I needed to do whatever I could to make sure I could succeed. I felt so much strength and drive that gave me a boost. I was determined to get a task done, I was working hard at it. That’s when all of a sudden, I’m told, that they couldn’t fulfil that suggestion. I felt like I just received a 1000-ton weight on top of me, I just sank. I dropped down lower into depression than I was before. I was so hopeful, thinking that at last something really good would happen and I wanted to make an effort until I realized, “No, of course not, you’re fooling yourself to ever think you were going to succeed! You’ve got no hope! There’s no point anymore, everything just keeps crashing! One minute it’s there, and you know it would help, the next minute it’s all taken away from you.”

You know, as I’m experiencing these answers that come ever so close, but are taken away, I feel, is there someone up there playing tricks on me, giving me a taster of what will help, yet denying me the right to a permanent answer. I know what will help me, I’ve witnessed it myself, but getting a permanent solution it’s like reaching for the stars. You climb a mountain to get closer, you see it clearer, it’s brighter, but it’s leagues away. You can’t get there as it’s just too far out of reach. You can climb a mountain, but you need a spaceship in order to make the distance.

It’s cruel to face that answer and have it nabbed away before you’ve had the chance to feel it’s full effect. It really does feel like someone toying with me, messing me around, getting some kind of enjoyment out of watching me suffer. Why is it that the answer is too far out of reach? Why? Why can’t it permanent? Why can’t I find an answer that lasts? I need to find the answer to my goal, and I’ve been searching for so long, and I’ve faced trauma along the way. How much more do I have to endure until I find a permanent solution?

Anyway, that’s it for now, I wish it didn’t have to be ‘it’, I still need to find an answer. ‘That’s it for now’ is a poor choice of words, I guess I should say, “this is the end of the audio video or written blog, but the continuation to find answers, at least I hope I’m successful”. “I can only hope that some miracle will come down and make life feel worth living” my inner heart is telling me, …… “As if that’s ever going to happen. You’d have a better chance winning the lottery!” my critical inner mind tells me, -_-. The battleground between mind and heart. See what I mean? Inner turmoil, which isn’t helped if I’m treated badly by others as explained in my previous blog entry, ‘Abuse from ASD Forum’, :(. It fuels the feelings of worthlessness, like I don’t belong on this planet, like I was never meant to be born.

Well, thank you for listening or reading, :).

Advertisements

ASD Toshiro – Tangents

Hi everyone, this is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short. Just a quick reminder, I’ve added most of the links I mentioned beneath my previous upload on the bottom right of my banner image at the top of my channel. If you’re watching this on my WordPress blog, then the links are on the menu on the right hand side.

The subject I’ll be focusing on in this audio video is tangents. This is a difficulty I’ve been having in the social world. Mainly in terms of writing, but can be from verbal communication as well. I have this problem when I start to respond to someone. Tangents are moments where I start to expand further and further into additional subjects, that slowly start to seem unrelated to the original statements.

There are times when I feel that I have to break off into tangents as I’m trying to relate their experiences with my own, but sometimes I feel that maybe I went a little over the top. I can’t help it. I just feel a need to express myself, my worry is, do others feel I’m expressing myself too much, >.<;?

I’ve been noticing this a lot more lately, and it’s making me feel uneasy, :(. I worry that people are annoyed with me as there are times when I’m not sure whether I may be writing more than I should.

I expressed myself in my video on my previous channel about my difficulties with my writing. I’ve added a link to the video below this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhNHHsfrbjk.

I have this cannon inside of me that is about ready to burst every time I hit against a subject matter I feel strongly about. Once the fuse line of this cannon strikes a strong subject for me, it triggers the lighting of the fuse. This fuse, combined with listening to music with my earphones, then strikes out powerfully. This is when I get this intense charge inside of me, and I end up writing like Speedy Gonzales, as my mother may refer me to, lol. This charge triggers a feeling inside of me that I feel I have to express myself in full.

I know I talk about school a lot, but that’s because it affected me so badly, it left me with triggers and my PTSD. You see, the need to express myself in full originates from my early school life. This is especially true after those emotional traumas I went through in primary and secondary school. I felt I was misunderstood. After being tricked, and eventually called a ‘creep’ by someone in my peer group, to missing out on a chance to really get to know someone, it enhanced those worries. Being misunderstood is also the feeling I get from my extended family which equally doesn’t help. You combine all of that, and you get a highly charged tangent writing, needing to express and expand on my writing and talking individual.

I feel a need to express myself in full, and this is a feeling shared by my mother as well. She also often finds that she needs to express our story in full in very complex and lengthy writing. I’ve often wondered whether others have found it difficult to respond to her, not only because it hits some very hard areas that really show the system up for what it is, but also because they find it difficult to churn so much information. I totally understand where she’s coming from in that regard, the need to express yourself in case of being misunderstood.

There is another very important point to make about all this. That is that I have had experiences writing on forums as well. These experiences have increased that caution to a greater extent. What I am relating to here is triggers. You see, I’ve said this before, but my triggers can be very damaging and involve education and emotional issues. This can be especially distressing and debilitating as these are subjects that may be written, spoken about or observed many times. Add these triggers to my autism and you have one heck of a combination. The need to express myself in full and travel into tangents, and that relates to my own experiences especially, is that I do not wish to be hurt. My triggers cause me pain, and if I receive a response that takes my triggers lightly. For example, if I receive a message such as, I’ve been able to go to college and university and I’ve done alright, or I’m lucky that I’ve found someone special, well, it’s like I’ve just been given the rope to hang myself. You can never tell when you’ll find and read a message like that. It hits me so hard, like you wouldn’t believe. The intensity of my inward spiral into greater meltdown and depression gets worse and worse the more I experience subjects that hit too close to the mark. I wish you understood just how excruciatingly awkward and almost impossible it is for me to socialise, -_-.

My tangents are my ways of expressing myself in the only way I know how, expand on my own personal experiences and the traumas they’ve caused me. This way I’d hope that it can avoid those painful triggers and I can communicate a lot more smoothly without the concern of feeling misunderstood.

My tangents are also my ways of expressing my interests, like for example, I can have some varied interests. I’m a photographer, nature photographer to be precise, so I’m going to have an interest in photography. I have an interest in birds and other wildlife around the garden since I became interested in photography and started to take photos of them. I have several books that relate to different birds that I may find around the garden; I get excited and often check back to the books every time I see new species I’ve never seen before. I’ve begun to have an interest in gardening after noticing all the colours, shapes and combinations of the flowers and plants around me as I’ve been taking photos of them. I’m often checking the garden to see how everything’s growing, and if I can find any unusual wildflowers that I’d want to add to my collection that I can capture on camera. Herb Robert is a good example as the plant’s new shoots have these interesting red branches that extend to these green leaves, which reminds me of Japanese maple trees. Not to mention, the flower buds look almost alien, and when they flower, they blossom into these really vibrant little raspberry ripple-like pink corncockle flowers.

Another good example of a subject I can talk very in-depth about relates to my interest in the orient, well, China and Japan to be precise. You see, I’ve played the Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors video games series in the past, and little did I know at the time, it has relevance to Chinese and Japanese history. Now, before I knew it, as I begun playing the games, my knowledge was filling with all that information. Since then, I became aware of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms era of China and the Sengoku period of Japan. Now, for some reason I can recall the Romance of the Three Kingdoms a little better than the Sengoku. I think that was because there were more games in the Dynasty Warriors series than the Samurai Warriors as each one would focus on a different country’s history. You see, as I became aware of Romance of the Three Kingdoms and Sengoku, I began wanting to research further into them, and I started reading some books on the Sengoku period of Japan. However; I noticed there was this two-part novel about Romance of the Three Kingdoms. I discovered it was a famous historical Chinese novel that originally spun many, many more pages, but they had to condense it during translation into a two-part novel. I couldn’t believe it, as soon as I picked up the books and started reading, it was like I was aware of what happened before I even read it. Okay, so understandably there were moments in the Romance of the Three Kingdoms book and Japanese history books that contained information that the game didn’t cover. It was, however; close enough to feel strange. I could relate to the story as I was reading it. I was also desperate to go to watch the film Red Cliff in the cinema when it came out in 2008. Red Cliff is basically a famous battle during the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, in Chinese it’s called Chi Bi. What it relates to is a naval battle. This naval battle took place around 208AD. The battle consisted of an overwhelming fleet led by a power-hungry Cao Cao against the combined smaller forces of a kind and benevolent Liu Bei, and Sun Quan. During this battle, a famous strategist of Liu Bei’s, Zhuge Liang could foresee the change in direction of the winds. Zhuge Liang, along with Sun Quan’s strategist of the time, Zhou Yu comprised a fire attack plan. A member of Sun Quan’s forces, Huang Gai, would travel across the water on a boat that would be set on fire, they’d jump ship and the hope was that Cao Cao’s fleet would go up in flames. It was successful.

Well, I better not go into greater detail than that, >.<, but that explains one good example of tangents consisting my interests, be they specialist or general depending on my level of interest.

Again, these tangents involve wanting to express myself, but to a different degree. This is not out of a fear of being misunderstood, but of excitement and losing the ability to control myself as I just begin my onslaught of heavy explanation. I can remember a time when I put my uncle to sleep talking to him about the Romance of the Three Kingdoms. It’s alright for him, he doesn’t understand what it’s like to find out all this information and have no one to express it to. I can also remember the face of another relative when I told it to him, and the look on his face. It still makes me laugh now, that astonishment and surprise, it was like it was straight out of a textbook, lol.

Anyway, these are two examples of tangents and how they make socialising difficult, either because of triggers, misunderstandings and pain, or due to excitement and wanting to talk about my interests.

That’s it for now, and thank you for listening, or reading, :).

ASD Toshiro – Being True to Myself

Written form of video:

Hi everyone, I’ve decided to change my YouTube channel to a name that relates more to my new Twitter account. So, my alias now is Autism Toshiro Hitsugaya, or ASD Toshiro for short. I have attached several links beneath my video. The first link is to my Twitter account, the other is to my WordPress blog about Living on the Autistic Spectrum, the link after that is to my new social forum for those on the autistic spectrum looking to make friends. The last link is to my old YouTube channel AS Bushido.

I’ve decided to convert my latest forum post on an ASD forum into this audio video format. So, here goes.

I’ve not been on the ASD forum for a long while now, I’ve been busy trying to set up a new blog (https://livingwithas….wordpress.com/) and Twitter account (https://twitter.com/toshiroh9). I’m not all that fond of Twitter as I find it very difficult to condense my writing into tiny little sentences with abbreviations, which is why I’m using my blog to channel my larger pieces of writing alongside. Of course, I’m also going to be using this YouTube channel to post some of my written words into audio as well.

Self delusion, yes, this is an very interesting subject. The idea to ‘mask’ yourself to ‘fit in’, trying to be ‘normal’, ‘mimic’ neurotypicals. I have never understood any of those quotes, and I’ve never wanted to live by them. I am true to myself, I stay true to my values and principles. If my autism isn’t understood by those I’d be supposed to be ‘mimicking’, I wouldn’t want to be associated with them. What good is hypocritical people that say one thing one minute, and completely backtrack on every word they’ve spoken the next.

In fact, it takes me back to my first ever forum thread on the forum I’m reading this from. I’ve added a link through to the forum thread I’m referring to below this video. It’s called My Battleground Puzzle Mind. At the time I was friends with a neurotypical, writing to her on Facebook at the suggestion of my mother’s, a friend that I spoke very briefly to towards the end of primary school.  I was in denial of the fact that she was friends with a bully of mine, a bully connected to an emotional bullying incident that cut me very deeply at my young and impressionable age. I saw her posting on Facebook about going on a trip with this bully and her brother. What I meant in the beginning of my forum thread was my mind and heart conflicting with each other in knowing what to do about the idea that my friend and this bully were friends. Since that time, for months, I put the idea to the back of my mind. That was a bad idea, but then I had no choice. I was alone, and I still am in many ways. I had to hold onto that friendship because what else could I do? I just began explaining to her the bullying I went through and how it affected me. She told me that bullies grow out of bullying, but I was expressing to her that it isn’t always the case, after all what about criminals and MPs? Do they care about people, or the damage they are causing to many people’s lives? No. However; I could tell that she couldn’t understand what I meant, -_-. Basically, it was earlier the following year that I found a following message on Facebook that my bully cooked my friend a meal. To me, this had many inclinations, and I just snapped. I felt this immeasurable intensity build up inside of me, much like the pinnacle of my breakdown at school. I needed to tell her about my bully, but I was so emotionally charged, I pinned the blame all on that one bully, when I reflected later, he wasn’t the only one in that class involved in that emotional bullying. Looking back on that class, I can reflect a lot was due to the fact that I switched classes to the last one in primary school. Someone I briefly spoke to from my class later on told me that she knew I was bullied, and she only saw me in that class for two years. How could she have known? The class must have been told before I switched classes that I was being bullied, which must have been the reason why I was so badly emotionally bullied on that very last primary school year. It left me with a scar, and a scar that lingered, off-shooting into additional emotional traumas.

Anyway, to get back onto the message that I sent my friend, I never received a response from her, instead she wrote to my mother and she was blaming my autism for taking it too seriously. I was shocked and taken aback by those words. She told me in her previous messages that she didn’t judge people on their disabilities, so what was she doing accusing my autism? Talk about betrayal. Since that time she never wrote to me again.

Our friendship spun one whole year, and ironically it was snowing at it’s entry and its departure. The gentle flurry becoming ice cold landing into my soul.

These are the types of people we should be ‘masking’ ourselves to ‘fit in’ with, trying to be like them, to ‘mimic’ these neurotypicals? You cannot be sure who is genuine and who isn’t and when you find that people are outright hypocrites, it can take us a very long time to even work that out. Too long as far as I’m concerned, -_-. Why try to ‘fit in’ with people that are deluding themselves into thinking the world is a bed of roses, when evidence has proven the contrary? Delusion can only lead to destruction in the long term. You can ignore an issue for only so long before it comes back to bite you where it causes the most severe damage. Be that in terms of social interaction or the country and worldwide issues.

At the loss of her friendship, I felt this sudden heart-wrenching pain inside of me, it was greater than the meltdown I experienced the first time I found out she was friends with my bully. I went through a much more intensive meltdown. This was because I was trying to hold myself, trying to explain my experiences to this friend in an attempt to try to show her the power of my bullies actions on me were. She couldn’t understand any of it, and the subject of emotional pain, especially when I found it so difficult to open up about at the time, telling a female friend felt like social suicide to me, -_-. This was all because I tried to control myself and express parts of what happened to me to my friend, but no matter how hard I tried, she still blamed my autism.

Self delusion didn’t help me with my Facebook friend, it only led me into further destruction. I want to find more like-minded people, not try to meld my mind to ‘fit in’ with others. I am not ashamed of my values and principles, I wish to pursue them and find others that feel the same.

I’m always aiming to be true to myself, even at the expense of losing that friend on Facebook. It took me a whole year to work out that she wasn’t true to herself, even her messages to me at that point completely changed. It was like I was talking to a completely different person. The truth is, and I’ve said this before in several places, is that too many people are wearing ‘masks’, when what lies beneath is something far more sinister. This is what has caused me so much trouble in the social world. What lies beneath each ‘mask’? Who truly cares, who truly understands, who would truly be interested in writing to me? These are all fundamental questions that I’ve tried so hard to find the answers to, and why should I have to spend so many years just to work out a simple fact? True or false, which is it?

This is what takes me right back to my emotional pain when I was 13. After I was bullied in primary school, when I was 10, I was called a ‘creep’. It hit me like a sledgehammer, and I died inside the moment that word was uttered. I couldn’t talk about it for many years, but the moment I turned 13, something totally unexpected happened. I was confronted by three females, one of whom told me one of them liked me. After that emotional bullying, I was going through so much pain, I didn’t know truth from fiction. I couldn’t tell if these females were teasing me or were genuine. l just dismissed them politely. I thought it was all a dream, and that it never happened. That was until I was cursed two more times later as I came into contact with the female that liked me on two separate occasions. Both of which surrounded immense anxiety and I couldn’t go up to her, nor express my thoughts as my anxiety was through the roof. The reasons why I look back and consider that she may have liked me is her reaction on those two occasions. The first time she was shocked to see me and made a mistake in her bank clerking job. The second time she was sitting a long way from me, and she was waving at me, smiling, whilst I had my back to her. I didn’t even notice her until I turned around.

True or false, how could I have known? How could I have known after I was emotionally bullied that someone truly liked me? I was bullied so much, I never even thought anything like that could ever happen to me. It did, but I totally missed it, and it has never left me. I used to constantly say, “You’re an idiot!”, every time I’m worried about emotional issues. Not to mention, I have immensely painful triggers on the subject of emotional feelings.

About confusing the mind, I’ve become all too aware that there are organisations running in this country and abroad that are doing just that, confusing the mind, sending out misinformation, confusing hypnotic language, not to mention the sheer amount of trolls across the social networking websites all designed to sway our thoughts and values.

When it comes to being true to yourself, unfortunately, there are too many people out there that believe that they have to ‘fit in’, yet you should know within yourself what is right and wrong, and not be influenced by the mass media culture, in whatever it’s forms. It doesn’t matter what the latest trend is, if it involves something that stands against what you know deep down is common sense and what is right. Allowing them to alter your thoughts and feelings turns you into a robotic zombie without a thought of your own. I do not wish to be a sheep led by shepherds, rather the outsider who knows that delving into the herd will lose your own identity. To the mass media and trends, not to mention the elite in general, see us all as numbers, purely statistics, rather than a human being with a voice. Be a voice, show people that you’re not a zombie, at least that is my aim. To prove that I am true to myself, to prove that I don’t live my life through falseness. I do not wish to conform to the status quo, I know I need to question it, analyse it, and work out what is truly going on.

Thank you for reading and/or watching my video, 🙂