This is my comment under the blog post ‘‘The cheese stands alone’ ~ (an #actuallyautistic paradox)’ by
I understand where you’re coming from. You, the cheese in the middle totally alone, with everyone joining hands around you. The alienation, seeing those around you joining hands, friends with one another, when you are totally alone in the centre. I can relate to that.
The cheese stands alone. I mean, the song in itself emphasises the alienation and isolation you’d feel at school. It’s no wonder I represent school as a prison, when the schools promote songs and actions like this. Not to mention the intensity of the sound of clapping reverberating through your senses, initiating overload.
To create a song that would end in isolating a child from the others, I couldn’t see how the teachers wouldn’t understand that, they should see children day in and day out. Surely in all that time they must have some inclination as to the harm they cause. For the teachers to agree with the other children, yes, I often wondered the same thing. To be honest, I really wouldn’t put it passed them. I can remember a time when I was 10 years old, stood up in front of the class and was humiliated by the teacher. In the same year, my mother went into the school and confronted the teacher. She told my mother that she would like to all of us children hung up on gibbets. To want us children to be tortured, hung on gibbets. What kind of a teacher would say such a thing? If she was allowed to become a teacher of children, it just goes to show you the standard on our educational system in the UK, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the same for you in America. It reminds me of Pink Floyd’s song, Another Brick in the Wall, because with teachers like these, it’s not surprising.
Personally, considering the words of that teacher I mentioned about the hanging on gibbets, and the song and actions you’ve just written about, I wonder whether it’s a twisted way of guiding the kids to single each other out, to target one another. It sounds like this is what these ‘schools’ want us to become. To cut each other from empathy and understanding, and instead gang up on one another. In that respect, sounds like social reconstruction, manipulating and controlling the future generations to become uncaring and unfeeling.
I can remember similar activities such as duck duck go, you had to run around the outside of a circle and pick another person who then had to run around and tag someone else. In that respect, I didn’t even understand the concept, >.<;.
The intensity of the noise and the whole experience, yes, I completely understand. I myself faced some extremely annoying bullies that deliberately struck my sensory issues, before I even knew I was affected by it. Two of my bullies would shout these noises into my ears, and another would brush his hand over my hair. They made me sick, I was so infuriated with them, but of course, no matter how many times I told them to, “Get lost!”, they never did. They just enjoyed every minute of it, with arrogant grins strapped across their faces.
I understand what you mean about finding it difficult to fit in, and how it takes its toll on you. I could say the same. ‘To stay on your toes’, yes, I understand what you mean, and that’s what concerns me as well. The idea that I’d always have to keep trying to ‘be like them’ just to feel that I need to ‘fit in’. Personally, I want to find a way so that I don’t have to act differently, that I can be myself. I feel that you can’t truly feel comfortable in social interaction until you’re able to be yourself.
When it comes to politicians, the problem is that they are puppets, being controlled by darker forces above them. These puppets perform the tasks set to them by these puppeteers, the elites. These elites dictate what happens to us all. They’re actions affect us all. For example, they are targeting the vulnerable and disabled in this country so badly, meanwhile the elite profiteer off of our suffering. This does affect me because I know that I am misunderstood by this country and they won’t understand the invisible conditions I’m affected by. You cannot see the traumas and memory triggers I’ve been through on the surface, not unless I experience a meltdown, but if I do in public, they’d consider me to be hostile and may even arrest me. Why? It’s because this country doesn’t understand autism or the traumas we go through in life. Your experiences, like this Farmer in the Dell song, can be a trigger and remind you of the traumas of school life. For example, every time you are reminded of it, it just brings it all flooding back, and it’s like a switch is triggered inside of you and you snap. This is what I mean, -_-.
I understand what you mean about not wanting to interact with the ‘wrong people’, in other words, people that don’t understand where you’re coming from. I understand why you prefer to be alone. When you’d feel like you have to ‘fit in’ with all the going trends, you just want to pursue your own interests. However; as you’ve said, feeling alone would be lonely. This is why I have so much depression, I do feel so alone and that in turn makes me feel lonely. I don’t wish to cut myself off from others, I just wish to find the right people, but I just feel like I’m searching and searching forever. I saw a YouTube video recently, about someone saying the same words I feel myself. They were saying that they found it difficult to initiate conversation, and try to wait for someone to come to them to talk. As soon as I heard that it was like I was listening to my own words. This is the problem. I fear that the harder I find it to initiate conversation, the more detached I’d be from finding the right person, but I just find it so difficult, especially when I have no idea I would be welcomed and understood or not, >.<;.
Personally, I feel too alone, I don’t wish to be alone. I equally don’t want to write or talk to people that don’t understand where I’m coming from. The trouble is how do I know if someone truly understands or doesn’t if they are not being totally honest with me. Like my old Facebook friend, how was I to know that after she told me that she didn’t judge others on their disabilities that she would later come to blame my autism for taking the bullying I went through too seriously. These instances hurt me, but they only lead me to a greater emptiness inside. I wish to fill this emptiness, and I know the only way I can succeed is by finding a connection to someone that falls under the characteristics that I value. The understanding and acceptance of each other’s differences and difficulties and allowing us both to be ourselves around each other. These are important qualities to me, and what I need to find in another.
You make some very interesting points in this post, it’s an interesting perspective to read these experiences from school life and the affects they have. School can leave a long lasting scar, I’m very much scarred myself, so I can relate to how these alienation experiences can affect us.
I wish I had the conviction and resilience I get the impression of from your writing, you sound very strong, :).