Anxiety, ha ha, well, this is an intensive subject and spreads in many directions for me. Social is the direction I’ll be focusing in this blog post.
The tidal wave of anxiety, well, I remember feeling this on the three times I met my old friend from primary school with support from my mother, when I was writing to her on Facebook, before everything flipped up on it’s head and I lost her friendship, tragically.
I always feel this gigantic immeasurable level of anxiety build up inside of me. It’s so intense I find it too difficult to get to sleep the closer the deadline is to meeting. Then the day of meeting comes around, and I have just moved into hyper anxiety. I’m worrying constantly, “Oh God! What do I do?!? I hope everything goes alright! But, what if ……, or …… happens, what then?!? Ahhhhh, I can’t think straight!”. That’s just before meeting. When the time comes and I’m there, if it’s my first time seeing them, I freeze and can barely string two words together. It was lucky that my mother was there so that she could talk for me because otherwise I know I’d be sitting there simply responding to questions saying, “Yes”, “No”, “Maybe”. Not to mention, I’ve always felt this aura around the few females I’ve ever spoken to over the years. It feels like they are monuments and I’m a tiny little mouse barely able to string two words together.
You see, you can see me writing like this, but when I come into contact face-to-face, I’m a complete nervous wreck. It’s only when I get used to their presence that I start to feel a little braver to express myself, and it especially helps when I know that I’m being listened to and feel I’m understood. I cannot when I am communicating to someone completely uncaring, unfeeling and hypocritical, but of course that should go without saying. With people like that, I’d either burst out in tears like I did at school, go through instant meltdown. I go through meltdowns because of other people, their treatment of me, watching time slip by me as others are progressing in my peer group, feeling lonely, feeling depressed, or due to painful triggers that remind me of previous pain. Triggers can come from almost any source, from an advert or programme on TV, on movies, out in public or in a person’s words or writing, and they can take me right back to the source of that pain. This can be especially true when it involves emotional or educational. Emotional pain on the spectrum has proved to be absolutely devastating, and educational makes me angry that I still haven’t found the best way that I can cope with learning since my statement of special educational needs ended unfairly when I became 19 years old.
Anyway, after I would come back from meeting someone, that’s when that gigantic immeasurable level of anxiety building up is released, but it isn’t released and gone, oh no. It becomes a tidal wave. This tidal wave sweeps over my mind like an uncontrollable force of energy. From the moment the front door is opened and I’m passed that threshold to the feeling of finally being home, that’s when it instantly hits me. This immense wave immediately makes me feel weak at the knees. I can barely walk, and my thoughts and words are constantly saying, “Did I say the right thing? Was I understood? Did everything go well? What do I do now? What if they didn’t understand me? What am I going to do?”. I go over and over this for the whole day, and it lingers for days until the wave of anxiety returns to it’s usual level, worrying over every message I may or may not receive.
I’m in a constant influx of anxiety, but the moments where I meet someone in terms of socially, as rare as that is, and believe me, that’s never happened since that time, I’m hit by that wave of anxiety.
This is what I mean by the Tidal Wave of Anxiety, and it can be practically a nightmare to meet someone face-to-face, but I need to try. I just know the only way I can cope is by expressing myself to the other person for a long time first, getting to know them by writing to them, and the possibility of making short videos of each other to feel more comfortable, before the possibility of Skype, and then in the future, to perhaps meet in person. It takes time, but I’m willing to try. I just need to find someone I can trust and who understands me to get to that stage with.